When we imagine what a healthy relationship looks like, we often picture peaceful, blissful moments that seem to come straight out of a cheesy B tier from com: hand-holding, shared laughter, quiet understanding, all the telltale signs that you have found the one. We rarely envision conflict. And if we do, we often see it as something to be avoided at all costs.
But here’s the truth that may surprise you: conflict is not the enemy of a strong relationship. Avoidance is.
In fact, how a couple handles conflict is one of the strongest indicators of whether their relationship will last, not whether conflict happens at all. Your partner, as much as you may view them as perfect, are still human, and we are not immune to our emotions, good and bad, even with the people we love most.
Why Do We Fear Conflict?
Most of our fear of conflict comes from what we witnessed growing up. If your early experiences involved explosive arguments, passive-aggressive silences, or constant tension, it’s understandable that you’d associate disagreement with danger, your fight or flight response kicking in as a very genuine response that is aiming to keep you safe. For others, conflict might be uncomfortable because they were raised in households where emotions were swept under the rug, where “keeping the peace” mattered more than telling the truth and things were left unsaid and quickly forgotten rather than talked about, often left to fester in silence.
During our formative years, we absorb so much behaviour from those around us, the adults in our lives shape us in ways we may never truly understand, just as the adults in their lives did for them. It’s difficult to understand what a healthy reaction to arguments is when you’re a child, if all you’ve seen are unhealthy examples, which you will no doubt carry into your adult life.
As adults, we often carry these beliefs into our relationships. We might shut down at the first sign of tension, downplay our needs, explode and point fingers to avoid our faults or tiptoe around difficult topics. Ironically, our attempts to “protect” the relationship by avoiding conflict often do the opposite: they weaken emotional intimacy.
What Conflict Actually Is
At its core, conflict is a sign that something important is at stake. It’s what happens when your values, needs, or expectations bump up against someone else’s.
It doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.
It doesn’t mean something is broken.
It means there’s a difference in perspectives that you both care deeply about.
Conflict, when handled with emotional intelligence and care, becomes an opportunity to:
- Understand each other more deeply
- Express unmet needs
- Set healthy boundaries
- Strengthen mutual trust
It’s not about anger. It’s about engagement.
The Cost of Avoidance
Conflict avoidance might feel peaceful in the short term, but over time it creates emotional distance. When you bite your tongue too often, pretend things are fine, or walk on eggshells, you’re not being fully honest, and that chips away at real intimacy when there are invisible walls between you and your partner.
Avoidance can lead to:
- Growing resentment
- Miscommunication and assumptions
- Emotional disconnection
- Erosion of trust
- Sudden, explosive blow-ups after too much has been bottled up
In contrast, addressing conflict head-on, respectfully, calmly, and with curiosity, can build intimacy, helping you to understand your partner and their wants and needs on a deeper level.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict
Unhealthy conflict is about power, blame, and control and is often what comes to mind when people think about fighting with their partner. It sounds like:
- “You always…” or “You never…”
- “Why can’t you just…?”
- Criticising character instead of behaviour
- Shouting, sarcasm, or stonewalling
Healthy conflict is about understanding and repair, addressing the issue at hand rather than elements of your partner’s being so you can explain something that has hurt you. It looks like:
- “I felt hurt when…”
- “Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?”
- Owning your emotions and needs
- Listening with the goal of understanding, not defending
Skills for Constructive Conflict
Here are some practical tools to help navigate conflict in your relationship:
- Use “I” Statements
Focus on your own experience rather than accusing your partner. It helps to frame the discussion around how you have perceived the event to take place, and how it has made you feel, rather than using those actions or lack thereof to create broad statements about your partner’s character.
→ “I feel unappreciated when I do all the housework” vs. “You never help around here.” - Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
Sometimes we listen just enough to prepare our rebuttal, waiting for a slight slip where we can chime in, or a contradiction that we can use as a gotcha to defend ourselves. Instead, try to fully hear your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. This is someone you care about, their feelings should be important. Hopefully, if they approach it the same way, you two can express your feelings around the issue at hand, rather than comment on each other’s character. - Pause When Needed
If things get too heated, take a short break. It’s okay to say, “I need a few minutes to calm down so I can be fully present.” If you feel yourself getting upset or agitated, take a step out. It doesn’t help either of you to have a productive conversation if the emotions rise and the conversation shifts to personal attacks and angry comments. - Stay on Topic
Don’t drag in old fights or unresolved baggage. Focus on the current issue instead of using it as ammo for everything that’s ever gone wrong. Treat each issue like it’s own discussion and bring in previous discussions only when specifically relevant. It may be helpful to bring up a previous discussion about this same topic that occurred recently to show that it is still something that upsets you, but not every time you’ve had an argument over the whole of your relationship. - Assume Good Intentions
Start from the belief that your partner isn’t out to hurt you, they may just be struggling to express themselves clearly. There is a reason you are together and are trying to work through an issue when it arises, hopefully because you love each other, so going into a conversation with patients and assuming the best from someone you care about and know intimately will help both of you feel safe to share what you feel in the clearest way possible. - Repair and Reconnect
After a disagreement, check in: “Are we okay?” Physical affection, humour, or simply acknowledging the difficulty of the conversation can help rebuild the connection. In the same way, check if you’re ok. Sometimes after an emotional conversation you may need a little time away from your partner, which is ok too. Stepping back and collecting your thoughts alone is very helpful to many to help keep themselves protected from burnout.
The Deeper Opportunity
Handled well, conflict reveals your partner’s inner world, their fears, needs, boundaries, and values. It gives you the chance to say: “I see you. I hear you. I care enough to show up, even when it’s hard.”
Every relationship has moments of friction. The question is whether you’ll let those moments drive you apart or use them to grow closer.
Conflict doesn’t break relationships; disconnection does.
If you find yourself in recurring arguments or walking on eggshells to keep the peace, consider this: the goal of a relationship isn’t to avoid discomfort, it’s to build a bond strong enough to hold it.
Learning to navigate conflict with compassion and courage can turn your relationship into a place of mutual growth rather than silent suffering.
So the next time you and your partner clash, pause and ask: What are we really trying to say to each other? Then lean in, not out.
Because real love doesn’t hide from conflict. It grows through it.
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